When asked why they are single, most people will give the stock response “I haven’t found The Right One yet” or something similar. What if I told you that you’ve already ruined your chances of finding The One?
The Problem With Dating
It’s become a contact sport. The emergence of dating apps has increased the frustration around finding a compatible person to date, to hang out with, to consider building a life with. Often a first date can take on the feel of a job interview – a long list of questions with the possibility of rejection for the job at the end of your date.
Before dating got into the matchmaking business or entered the app scene it was basically left to chance if you met someone on a random evening at a Bar or Club with friends. Now you can create a dating profile on a dating site and a computer program will select a handful of people who “match” your requirements. The only factor missing is when the matched couple meet up, sometimes there’s a lack of a connection despite what the program had predicted.
Waiting for Mr Right
Another interesting phenomenon among single women is “waiting for Mr Right” which is now known as abstinence. When a woman decides she isn’t going to date at all because she’ll know when Mr Right comes along, I seriously have to question what medication she is taking.
It’s more likely that you’ll get hit by a random streak of lightning than a totally perfect man will pop into your life, all shiny and programmed to keep you happy. If you want to wait that’s your decision, but remember this: waiting implies not making any contribution to your own happiness. You’re becoming reliant on another person to fulfil your happiness goals.
This is a mistake. Taking responsibility for your own happiness will stop you projecting your disappointment onto your partner when he fails to make you happy.
One friend told me she’d finally met someone nice, but on their first date he asked her if she could cook well, and whether her apartment was always clean. I asked her how she felt about that, and she told me she left him at the restaurant with the check.
Do have Checklist Syndrome?
One last interesting observation is the emergence of checklists for potential partners.
Answer the following questions to see if you have Checklist Syndrome.
When you meet a random guy in a Bar and he asks for your number do you:
Ask what he does for a living and hope it involves a lot of money
Scan his body for signs of a six-pack
Gauge his height to weight ratio (tall and wiry versus tall and stocky)
Ask what car he drives and whether he owns his own house
Ask if he wants children
If you answered yes to any of the above you have Checklist Syndrome.
Let’s Hear It For The Boys
We guys don’t get away with much either; choosing to remain single in order to play the field while looking for our fantasy woman. Having our ideal met is an instinctive drive. If we meet a tall blonde who looks like Gisele Bundchen we want her, only to replace her with a dark sultry brunette Sophia Loren lookalike the following week.
I men have a checklist of wants for a partner it’s basic, such as she should be healthy, have real breasts not implants, be capable of holding a coherent conversation, and mustn’t have a laugh that could scare the birds out of the sky. For starters.
At the top of a single person’s list when thinking about a potential partner is whether he or she likes animals; with pet lovers topping the charts of most amiable qualities a person should possess.
That’s not to say unless the potential man you meet on that random night out with your friends doesn’t like your pot bellied pig your relationship’s doomed.
Make your own decisions about who you want in your life, and why, and be less rigid about a checklist and go with the flow – you’ll amaze yourself with the variety of people you let into your life.
About Robin Wright-Thurnley
Robin is an Associate Head Coach at Phoenix Relationship Coaching where he guides clients towards achieving their hearts desire.