Coming, Ready or Not


Associate Head Coach Robin Wright-Thurnley’s take on relationships, love, sex and more.


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This month my male clients have mostly complained in unison about their partners’ lack of orgasm.

When the heatwave in the UK began three weeks ago, my clients were mostly happy to work through their issues.

Three weeks on, they’re crabby, irritated, and plain frustrated about a lack of action in the bedroom department.

Orgasm, or lack thereof, is the elephant in the room.

You’re not alone in being unable to reach orgasm if you’re female – a staggering 70% of women complain of a lack of ability to reach orgasm, whether through manual stimulation or with the use of ‘toys’ or with a partner.

If you’re male its worse statistically, with around 75% of men reportedly suffering from erectile dysfunction.

While there are approved chemical stimulants which men can use to enhance erectile function there isn’t a ‘magic pill’ which women can reliably take to enhance their ability to climax every time they engage in sex. More’s the pity.

What can you do to reach orgasm easier?

Take a night off. Focus on something other than reaching orgasm. Sometimes when you’re thinking about something else it will happen. It may be something random if you’re a woman, like the way your partner touches your face during sex, or the way you wrap your arms around his waist when you are close to orgasm but not quite there yet, which lets him know you are almost, almost there. It could be anything.

The more you become frustrated with being unable to reach an orgasm, the more elusive it will become. Try and focus on something else.

Take a break from sex altogether and go back to the way things were between you when you first started dating. Enjoy building up to having sex, either by abstaining altogether for a couple of days, or by using massage to keep the closeness between you. Either way, the anticipation of having sex sometime may be enough to create a spark within you both which heightens your arousal enough to push you over the edge.

Consider this learning curve as a phase. It won’t always be difficult to orgasm, its so subjective. Sometimes you’ll need to lay on the bed in a certain position before you can climax, other times it’ll be standing up which puts you in the right position to climax, everything is subject to your own interpretation of what’s happening within your body when you’re aroused. There isn’t a book which can tell you exactly how you will orgasm because you are unique, but there are many books which can give you ideas you may wish to try, which may or may not work for you.

The advice I give my clients is this: if at first you do not achieve an orgasm, put the thought out of your mind and relax. Think about others ways you enjoy being sexual, like touching your partner or having your partner touch you, enjoying being close and the feel of each others’ bodies, taking a bath together – it could be any sensual experience. Think of it, and how wonderful it makes you feel. Forget about the end result of sex having to be all about an orgasm because it isn’t written anywhere that all sex must result in an orgasm for both parties involved.

Sometimes just having sex with someone who you are madly in love with is enough pleasure all on its own.

From the book ‘Ultimate Intimacy’ available at all online book retailers

About Robin Wright-Thurnley

Robin is an Associate Coach at Phoenix Relationship Coaching where he guides men towards achieving their dreams of lasting love. He is married to the love of his life, the Author Ruby Binns-Cagney.